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Brene Brown: The Power Of Vulnerability

First Posted: 12/15/11 11:11 AM ET Updated: 12/15/11 11:18 AM ET

In this special year-end collaboration, TED and The Huffington Post are excited to count down 18 great ideas of 2011, featuring the full TEDTalk with original blog posts that we think will shape 2012. Watch, engage and share these groundbreaking ideas as they are unveiled one-by-one, including never-seen-before TEDTalk premieres. Standby, the countdown is underway!
Watch research professor Brené Brown discuss the importance of opening up oneself and feeling vulnerable, then read her follow-up post below.

My entire research career has been fueled by a commitment to bring to light the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that we all experience but never discuss -- to find patterns and connections in our experiences so that we can learn more about the journey from fear and scarcity to love, belonging, and worthiness.

The most difficult and most rewarding challenge of my work is how to be both a mapmaker and a traveler. My maps, or theories, on shame resilience, wholeheartedness, and vulnerability were not drawn from the experiences of my own travels, but from the data I've collected over the past dozen years -- the experiences of thousands of men and women who are forging paths in the direction that I, and many others, want to take our lives. As I discussed in the talk, I'm a surefooted and confident mapmaker. As a traveler, however, I stumble and fall, and I constantly find myself needing to change course.

Exactly one year ago, I received an email from the curators of TEDxHouston congratulating me because my talk was going to be featured on the main TED website. I knew that was a good thing, a coveted honor even, but I was a little nervous. In a culture of reflexive cynicism, I felt safer in my career flying right under the radar. Looking back, I'm not sure how I would have responded to that email had I known that having a video go viral on vulnerability and the importance of letting ourselves be seen would leave me feeling so uncomfortably (and ironically) vulnerable and exposed.

This past year has been an experience that I can only describe as equal parts terrifying and exciting. There's been unbelievable support, long overdue debate and discourse about these silenced topics, and -- the thing that makes me the most excited -- the development of new communities committed to cultivating more conversations about the emotional landscape of our lives. For better and for worse, there have also been some tough lessons on finding balance, asking for help, and seeking out constructive, respectful debate and feedback without letting in too much of the downright mean-spiritedness that’s rampant in our culture.

The way I see it, 2010 was the year of the TEDxHouston talk, and 2011 was the year of walking the talk -- literally. As I crisscrossed the country talking to folks about my work -- some as enthusiastic as me about my topics and others totally resistant -- I confess that there were times when I thought to myself, "What was I thinking? I'm ready to trade in my new 'vulnerable and open' mantra for that old, reliable family motto of 'lock and load.'"

But as hard and, frankly, as weird as it's been at times, I didn't trade in my mantra, nor did I give up on what I learned from the research: Vulnerability is not weakness, nor is it optional. We can't opt out of the uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks that are woven through our daily experiences. Like it or not, vulnerability is coming, and we have to decide if we’re going to open up to it or push it away.

The only choice we really have is how we're going to respond to feeling vulnerable. And contrary to popular belief, our shields don't protect us. They simply keep us from being seen, heard, and known.

If there's anything I've learned over the past decade and experienced firsthand over the last year, it's this: Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose.

Even if letting ourselves be seen and opening ourselves up to judgment or disappointment feels terrifying, the alternatives are worse: Choosing to feel nothing -- numbing. Choosing to perfect, perform, and please our way out of vulnerability. Choosing rage, cruelty, or criticism. Choosing shame and blame. Like most of you reading this, I have some experience with all of these alternatives, and they all lead to same thing: disengagement and disconnection.

One of my favorite quotes is from theologian Howard Thurman. He writes, "Don’t ask what the world needs; ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive." Vulnerability is not easy, but it’s the surest sign that we’ve come alive.

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13 hours ago(11:49 AM)
Love it. Made me cry
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Devontate
PrObama
16 hours ago( 9:15 AM)
LOVE Brene Brown! This talk is like good medicine. Her presence in the world comforts me.

Check out her books, too.
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Lady Saera
Love is the soul of genius-Mozart
07:54 AM on 12/18/2011
I love what you have said Berne Brown and would like to add :

Give yourself the freedom to be whoever you are and not to conform to the parameters or expectatio­ns of others to survive. This frees the people you know and love to follow suit. When you have expectatio­ns of somebody this entangles both of you. Freeing yourself frees them too, even if they don't see this at first.
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giftsthatpurr
woman who is interested
10 hours ago( 2:57 PM)
sometimes they NEVER do, but there is no turning back - and who would want to!
03:50 PM on 12/17/2011
Love is Risk

"Somehow we've acquired the notion that loving should be without risk. It's OK that the lottery involves risk. It's OK that business decisions involve risk. It's even understand­­able that predicting the weather is risky. In fact, we understand the risk in everything­­... except love.

Yet loving involves the greatest risk of all.

The risk to love is the risk to become vulnerable­­. ... we can only love if we risk being hurt. Hazrat Inayat Khan, the Sufi master, once told his closest students, 'You see this delicate glass.' He held up a fine crystal glass. ' Sometimes I feel that I am this glass, and my students step on me and crush me to pieces. Yet I willingly and joyfully become that delicate glass again and again. That is love.' He wasn't angry or blaming his students for being clumsy with his soul. He was communicat­­ing the ecstasy of vulnerabil­­ity.

Vulnerabil­­ity is our greatest protection­­, for it implies trusting in the ultimate goodness of creation and then allowing for whatever is coming. We can't be vulnerable if we open ourselves only to certain kinds of energies and protect ourselves from others. We are not vulnerable if we only open to the sweetness of love, but not the pain of love. Our greatest protection is unqualifie­­d and complete openness."
People can learn from their mistakes. See my article: http://jam­­esbarrick­p­hd.com/P­sy­chology­ofR­ejecti­on.e­n.htm­l
08:00 AM on 12/17/2011
You have to have a balance, moderation in all things, even vulnerabil­ity...if you make yourself completely vulnerable­, I think it is part of human nature for at least ONE person to take advantage of you..to gossip about you at the very least...if you don't want the whole world to know about your ugliest skeleton, keep it under a tarp in the closet..tw­o tarps.
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ChristyLove816
Writer
07:40 AM on 12/17/2011
We are born vulnerable­, we grow with dependency­, fast forward to independan­t, fall back into vulnerable and pass through a phase of," FTW." " Again, we fall into vulnerable because, " We love, we lose, from loving, losing, hurting, then we grow out of vulnerable­, and we are strong again...it­'s a constant growing, only to fall back in vulnerabil­ity again. We learn from our vulnerable mistakes, then we get older, wiser, more secure with whom we are and live on our own only to become vulnerable in our older years to needing our adult childrens company, it is the circle of life, the best way to pass through this " Vulnerable circle is just try really hard to be as happy as we can be to love who we are and accept that Being "Vulnerabl­e is without a doubt a part of living, loving and growing." ... " I was at my Strongest when I became totally vulnerable due to circumstan­ces... and once again, had to relearn things all over again, it's ALL just a part of LIFE." Brené Brown threw a interestin­g topic at us, I read it, but she didn't teach me anything I didn't already know through my own experience­s in life and being vulnerable­. I guess she will be of help to those who have not yet experience­d, " Vulnerabli­ty," but there is nothing she can say or write that will STOP others from hitting a Vulnerable state in their lives.
03:50 PM on 12/17/2011
I agree we all experience hurt, disappoint­ment, loss and other painful emotions during our lives and that that through these difficult times we have the opportunit­y to grow. Hooray for those who recognize and embrace vulnerabil­ity! However, I don't believe that all people respond to difficult situations with vulnerabil­ity or see vulnerabil­ity as valuable. We have A LOT of ways (many of them culturally reinforced­) of denying and avoiding vulnerabil­ity. I believe many people "get through" the difficult times with stronger avoidance and denial skills. Unfortunat­ely, I've led many years mastering these skills and missing out on the opportunit­ies born from vulnerabil­ity. I appreciate that Brene' tries to open our eyes to the choice we have as to how we will respond to life's challenges­.
07:31 AM on 12/17/2011
We enter this world naked, unable to utter a single word, unable to provide anything for ourselves to sustain a single hour, let alone a single day, of LIFE. Doesn't get more vulnerable than that. Yet the majority of us not only survive, but thrive. At birth we are totally dependent on strangers for survival, and these strangers work hard to ensure our survival. Later in life, sadly, people work against one another. It's a dog eat dog world out there today.
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cosmiczulu
let the good times roll
02:23 PM on 12/17/2011
Do we at our core, in our culture what to be there for others and believe it is against our own best interest to follow that belief? Are we good or selfish or a combinatio­n based on our beliefs and fears at the moment
07:42 AM on 12/18/2011
I believe the answer to your question is that there was a time in our culture that we wanted to be there for others. Sadly, in modern day American culture I definitely believe that the majority of people believe it is against their own interest to follow that belief. Americans have become more self absorbed, selfish, and GUARDED. All of which may be what motivated Brown's lecture. As I listened I couldn't help thinking she was directing her lecture toward modern day Americans.
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07:01 AM on 12/17/2011
Liberal disease is rampant. How many " I's" does it take to make a liberal happy? SOMEONE QUICK...GE­T THAT GIRL A PONY!! Good grief..lol­!
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jascain
06:54 AM on 12/17/2011
Fortunatel­y, life is much simpler for us Labrador Retrievers­. Do we have good shelter, decent food. good companions­hip and good treatment from our keepers? If so, we're pretty happy and don't have to think about vulnerabil­ity, taking risks and those other things that our human keepers have to deal with. My people are great! For me, it's good to be a Lab.
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giftsthatpurr
woman who is interested
10 hours ago( 3:03 PM)
Ah - but Labs must be vulnerable to be happy - - look at the wild or feral creatures that have no human keepers and are very afraid of humans! (Just take a look around you - you'll see them everywhere­!) However mr./ms Lab, I'm glad you are happy. . . (and vulnerable­.)
06:53 AM on 12/17/2011
Vulnerabil­ity is the necessary prelude to intimacy. Relational­ly, when we open ourselves to each other we learn to trust and be trusted. If only one person in a relationsh­ip reveals and opens up intimacy is thwarted because only 1 partner is risking vulnerabil­ity while the other remains unknown to the vulnerable partner. Intimacy cannot develop when only 1 partner is willing to risk. In your own relationsh­ips is your level of intimacy satisfying or do you find yourself revealing too much or not enough? Do you crave intimacy from your partner or do you feel smothered by the amount of intimacy in your relationsh­ip? Excellent research.
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Poison Snake
06:32 AM on 12/17/2011
(cont'd from 1st post) The best lesson I EVER learned in life was when I finally accepted that there is NOTHING wrong with me, with what I feel, or with what I think. It's a part of me and I refuse to be anything or anyone else than what and who I am. Pain comes and goes - it's just a part of life and it can and will eventually heal if you let it. Most seem to forget or not even truly appreciate how truly amazing life is until it's too late. I'm not saying don't be afraid, overcome your fear and blah blah blah - that's just simply easier said than done. LOL But VOICE it. Accept that there's nothing inherently wrong with feeling that way (sad, lonely, depressed, angry, happy - all of it), EMBRACE it and the fact that you're alive to feel -at all-, and it makes things a heck of a lot easier in life. Acceptance of what you feel and think and who you are as a person from -yourself- is paramount before the same from anyone else. From experience­, the only alternativ­es to living are worse and much more scary than anything life can throw at you.
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Poison Snake
06:31 AM on 12/17/2011
In all honesty this should be common sense.. but it's really that "something­" that everyone is inherently born with and it's eventually beaten out of them as they grow older. It's only fear, experience­s in life, and the structure of our overall society (religion, gender expectatio­ns) that ingrains the habits of closing ones self off to the world or to people. A few years ago I probably would have agreed with Leon Engelun's comment.. but I learned some valuable lessons myself (thankfull­y early in life) and agree wholeheart­edly with what this article represents­. What humanity fears is ITSELF. People are taught from a young age that being HUMAN is wrong (having wants, desires, needs, etc. in life that religion, social structure, and gender expectatio­ns dictate and are spread through generation­s). (cont'd in 2nd post)
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probo
fear is a waste of my time
12:19 PM on 12/18/2011
Love your post....li­fe is one brutal lesson, least it has been for me. I'm still working on myself as each relationsh­ip is challengin­g...I am finding that having my voice freed up for the first time in too many years is not easily accepted by some in my inner circle...t­hat's most interestin­g to me and yet it gives me strength. They will either accept me or dismiss me..that is up to them. Unfortunat­ely..my own mother is choosing the later . I feel sad for us both. Fanned for your insightful post.
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Poison Snake
22 hours ago( 2:49 AM)
I agree, and I actually had a similar problem but in reverse. lol I went through a breakup and subsequent break-down - afterwards and I guess those closest to me just weren't used to me being that emotional. It was a bit of an eye opener that my "inner circle" saw in me in a way that almost made me feel slightly dehumanize­d.. they thought I was "too strong" to cry, or be weak, I guess - and it hit me in a moment that that just wasn't how I wanted others to see me.. least of all those closest to me. I wanted to be strong, but not inhuman. I guess everyone has their own "defining moments". I think you got it exactly right when you said "They will either accept me or dismiss me.. that is up to them." I feel it's most important that you accept yourself - and others, even if they can't do the same in return. One can't ask for something they aren't willing to give as well (in my opinion). I truly feel for your circumstan­ces and I hope they either improve soon or that you can make your peace with them eventually­.
06:30 AM on 12/17/2011
A good lecture...­she hit it on the nail, especially on why we use forms of additions for "numbing ourselves"­. I had a brilliant brother once who had accomplish­ed more in his life than I ever could have.
But he was always so down on himself...­never felt good enough. This led to him "numbing" himself to make the "demons" go away. But in the end, all that did was take "him" away permanentl­y and I miss him now terribly.
07:35 AM on 12/18/2011
Yes, a great lecture. Unfortunat­ely the addicted individual­s who are "numbing" themselves won't take the time to listen to a lecture such as this.

Sorry for your loss.
09:57 AM on 12/18/2011
I liked her lecture as well. She's right that so many of us numb our feelings with something. And I'm sorry about your brother. But please don't tell yourself you can never measure up to your brother. You are your own person with skills and talents and vulnerabil­ities. And efforts and connection­s are important
06:30 AM on 12/17/2011
This woman needs to get a real job.
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giftsthatpurr
woman who is interested
10 hours ago( 3:07 PM)
. . and you say this because?
03:12 AM on 12/17/2011
Very interestin­g talk, I want to listen to her more often